Kids today should be shot   
05:19PM Wednesday, 21, April, 2010
mood: pissed off
I'm on the bus on my way to go get groceries, I have Gerry with me in the stroller. The bus is crowded. The first 8 seats are specifically to be reserved/given up to elderly/handicap. Instead there are a bunch of teen-twenty something girls sitting in the seat. 3 elderly people got on and not one of the stupid bitches got up to offer their seat.

Rest assured when I offered my seat up, I made sure the girls knew that I was 32 weeks pregnant and offering my seat because apparently there are a bunch of lazy bitches on the bus. Which caused them all to jump up and vacate their seats. Maybe that will teach you a little lesson called courtesy.

Other than that, it's been a great day. beautiful weather. A little rain shower. The arthritus in my foot didn't disagree with it. I was starting to hate rainy days it's nice to know that just because it rains doesn't mean my toes are going to kill me.

Oh!! And as I was reading to Gerry today, he grabbed the book out of my hand held it up in front of his face and started babbling it was so cute.
     Tell a tale for me
I love the astrological journey and all that this song says to me.   
06:38PM Monday, 05, April, 2010
mood: satisfied
There are certain friends, ex-friends, that I don't talk to, mostly out of fear. And this song has seriously got me thinking about them.

"The wood is tired, the wood is old
we'll make it fine, if the weather holds
if the weather holds , well I missed the point
That's where I need to go."

If the weather holds, then I didn't learn a single thing. Then I have no experiences. Why do I feel sorry and apologetic for these things that I've done. I'm not in the least bit sorry for who I am, or where I am. My life could not be any better. I would not change a thing in my life right now. I have a wonderful, funny, spoiling, charismatic husband. We have a beautiful son, and another due June 21st.

And I know, if certain events hadn't happened. I would not be here. If we had remained friends, I would not have this life. If I had not lost it all, I could not have been ready for this life. So, in all honesty... how sorry can I be? I've spent the longest time blaming and hating myself for events that were out of my control. I realize this now.

This wood cannot wait to see where this journey leads.
     Tell a tale for me
03:59AM Saturday, 09, May, 2009
  Gerald Christopher William Waring was born May 8th at 4:40AM. 7lbs 8oz. 20 in long. head 13 1/2. head full of brown hair blue eyes. my lips his nose and no chin.

Got at the hospital at 4 and was out by 9. My midwife, Corrine rocked she was so calming I couldn't have done it with out her support.

All natural birth. Class 2 tear. Lots of bleeding, but boy was he worth it. Rick was perfect. He won't hardly let go of Gerry. I've only gotten 5 hrs of sleep and I'm supposed to be on bed rest, but who can sleep when you could be holding your baby. Its all so surreal.
     Tell a tale for me
05:57PM Wednesday, 17, December, 2008
  I just found out the other day that a couple of my friends got pregnant around the same time I am. Hana lost hers though. We hung out for a while, she was very sad about it :( but she said she was thankful too because her and eric finally broke up and she doesn't need to be tied to that dickwad forever. Kody is also pregnant due the day before me. And then there's Star who I am missing like crazy right now. I can't wait to be back in canada and we can hang out and be pregnant together. We have big plans to watch chick flicks, bitch about men, talk about how insanely horny we are and cook and eat. Have someone to talk about my cravings with. I'm still so freaked out over every little thing.

Oh oh OH!!! I've started to feel the baby move. He flips around like crazy. And each time its like little butterflies. I have a bad feeling that as I get farther along he's going to be abusive n beat my insides. With as much as he's moving around now, I'm dreading the later.

Jon and I decorated for christmas, my mom didn't want to do anything this year. We put only chris' things on the tree. All the stuff he's made, all his ornaments. Last night was a very snotty and painful time.

N this song was written about her losing her baby sister. Which only makes the song much more sad.
     Tell a tale for me
12:03AM Saturday, 06, December, 2008
mood: cheerful
you can see babys head and his hands covering his face and babys knees
and finally my baby sitting ass to the camera

hehe!! My baby!! my baby!! Gerald Christopher William Waring

Rick said the bestest most beautifulest thing I've ever heard today. A whole rant and rave type speech about how he's dying inside missing out on everything. I cried like little girl. Grrr. I miss him.
     Tell a tale for me
12:37AM Thursday, 04, December, 2008
mood: giddy
So its official.

I'm 16 weeks and 5 days. I'm having a perfectly healthy baby boy!!!! maybe its the hormones but I cried like little baby during the ultra sound. I got copies of his butt, foot, n my favorite his little face being covered by his little hands. He is approx 7 oz. hehe! Suddenly it seems real. I have strange little alien thing growing in my belly.

Also found out I'm running low on iron. Since I got pregnant I've had no appetite for meat. The only meat I want to eat is chicken and even then it's questionable. So every other day I have to take half an iron supplement pill.

And the morning sickness has passed but I still get tummy aches. I really don't have much of an appetite and the only things I really crave is mashed potatos n corn and pasta salad.

And with all this good news.... the bad. I've started to pee myself little bits at a time. So I don't have a period but I have to wear panty liners every day. Yay. And I have to change them everytime I laugh or cry or sneeze or cough or bent over when I really had to pee. This baby is riding my bladder hard. x.x And only four months pregnant, the best is yet to come, I'm sure.
     Tell a tale for me
Suddenly this song seems darker. It reminds me of suicide.   
08:00PM Friday, 28, November, 2008
  What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

I really don't know how to let you go. I miss you everyday. It's just not the same. I'm dreading christmas. There will be no competing this year to see who's gift you love the best. That morning haunts me, holding your lifeless body in my arms. Calling mom and dad and telling them to get there because you were dying. Mom pulling the doctors off you. Cutting locks of your hair.
And this yearning to be near you is fucking overwhelming. I just miss you.
     Tell a tale for me
Baby shower - Great success.   
05:40PM Sunday, 16, November, 2008
  I'm so tired. I got up ridiculously early yesterday and didn't sleep well, then I stayed up late last night playing with baby stuff. I really got an amazing haul. And it was fun. It was akward, everyone looking at me and wanting to feel my tummy. Then opening the gifts I felt so.... humbled? and grateful. Everything I got is going to help so much. I spent all night last night playing with little bootties and getting hormonal and crying. It kind of really hit me on an emotional level. I have a little baby inside me and this little bootie will fit on his little foot. And the little hats, and the little blankets. I got a dozen hand made blankets, some knitted and crotched and a baby quilt. I got a big stroller and a small stroller baby bags, and bibs and reuseable diapers fucking sweet.

Then I got up early today and went with Jessie to see her kid. I'm going to miss her like crazy, I keep telling her we should abduct her kid and smuggle him into canada and she can be my closet lover.

And then I miss Rick like fucking crazy. Robyn is taking me up there Jan 1st.. but it's so far away. Until now, I missed him but not like this. I need him. And when he's begging me to be back there right now so he can kiss my tummy and watch it get "big" (me get fatter :P) I want to cry.

Yesterday was rather rough on me, I couldn't sleep because I woke up in the middle of the night, and watched Chris' slideshow. Then Robyn made pillows out of Chris old t-shirt and I stayed up all night crying and hugging it. I try so hard not to think about it because I know what stresses me stresses the baby. But sometimes all I can do is cry. I miss him so much.

Fucking Amber talks like Borat and its starting to rub off on me x.x
     Tell a tale for me
01:26PM Wednesday, 05, November, 2008
mood: hopeful
So now that Obama has claimed his rightful place in office and history I was hoping we could watch something other then CNN.

My mom and Jon are going to washington to see the inauguration.

I've just recently discovered Bethany Yarrow. And yes she is Peter Yarrow's daughter. She sings alternative folk music. She covers several traditional american and irish folk songs and gives them a completley different texture. She also writes her own music and beautifully. But her music would be nothing with out Rufus Cappadocia who is an amazing celloist, I used to be impressed by rasputina with their unorthodox cellos but they can't even lick Rufus' boots.

Long story short I love them!

my paycheck was pitiful. I'm beginning to get very parinoid that I won't possibly be able to pay off my debt (less than 3000) by January and afford all the other things I need to do!

I'm on a taco kick. I want tacos! Sour cream and taco sauce. Tomatos and olives! I wish I had a taco right now. :(
     Tell a tale for me
01:21PM Friday, 31, October, 2008
mood: worried
I got all excited when a girl at work told me that her OB/GYN had her drink a glass of red wine/heineken about 5 oz/every other week. Since Heineken is high in iron and red wine also has iron but lots of anti-oxidants. And as I researched this strange news, I have found that in great britian they say that it is safe to drink 5 oz of beer a week. Not all at once. However, there was a study done with sober babys vs babies who drank and the babies who drank did not react (in the womb) to being startled by a buzzer. However the study did not track how much the mothers drank. And I found lots of people who's ob/gyn's have told them they can have the occasional half glass of wine/beer. There's also tons of girls who say they drank occasionally during pregnancy and no problems. But since no one knows how much or even if one drink can cause fetal alcohol syndrome, I've decided it's not worth the risk.

For now I've got non-alcoholic beer and sparkling grape juice for the party. :)

But it also makes me feel better about the drinking I did before I knew I was pregnant, I was all freaked out about that. Another thing that has me all parinoid and I know its awful and I feel awful about it, I did xtc. which again the research I've done has suggested that problems occur with habitual use through out pregnancy. However if my conception date is really around august 22nd, I'm safe by about a month, but with me being convinced that I'm farther along then that, it freaks me out. I'm not worried about the pot smoking at all, I know so many people who smoked all through out their pregnancys and the studies show that smoking pot has the same effect as smoking cigarettes. Speaking of cigarettes, I've started rolling my own, saving tons of money and I can pack them lighter and roll them smaller. Then I'm down to about 8-10 a day, been smoking half at a time to make em last longer.

I'm just all sorts of freaked out.
     Tell a tale for me
open up your mind and see like me   
12:55PM Wednesday, 29, October, 2008
mood: Hormonal
"So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours"

It's such a cheesy song, but it makes me stupidily giddy.

Haloween party is this friday and I've honestly no idea whats going on.

I'm going shopping today with my mom and robyn to get table top decorations for the baby shower. It should be interesting. o.o

I had, I don't know if i would call it nightmares, but very traumatic dreams last night. I woke up crying hysterically. It took me several moments to just realize i was only dreaming. I haven't had a dream about chris... at all. And last night my whole family was at our cabin and I was swimming with him, and he drowned. I try not to think about it. But some days all I can do is cry. What I wouldn't give to have my baby back.

Who knows when we shall meet again, if ever. Time keeps flowing like a river to the sea.

These mood swings are killing me. x.x
     Tell a tale for me
09:57PM Friday, 24, October, 2008
mood: optimistic
I should NOT be allowed to shop online. but seriously there's some good stuff out there.

1st Boob! It's What's For Dinner!

2nd proof that dad sucks at pulling out

3rd All Daddy Wanted Was a Blowjob

My kid's going to be fucked up for life. ^^ Why does this please me?

Rick started his new job tuesday he loves it. In three months he gets his full time raise at $25.25 Rick's job averages about 15-20 hours of overtime a week. when he gets his full time raise that is 75,000/year. Maybe it's just me, but I find that incredibly sexy. I guess thats what you get for going to school and being canadian.
He's trying to convince me to be a stay at home mommy. Like hell. I think I'd go crazy. I think he's freaked out about being left alone with the baby.
Plus, with me working, I'd be starting out my job at 18$. With both of us working full time, I've estimated 100,000/year. Is it just me or does that seem illegal? But maybe I'll only work part time. :P
     Tell a tale for me
01:06PM Saturday, 18, October, 2008
mood: calm
So, despite how I hate it, my baby shower is going to be on my birthday. At which point I'll be 3 months and 2 weeks? I think the lady who did my expecting/conception date was on crack. I did the whole registry thing, I was dreading it but it turned out to be lots of fun. And looking at all the cutesy baby stuff. And I know Rick's getting a lot of stuff too.

The sickness went away, then all of the sudden I got up this morning walked around a little bit. I didn't feel right and then out of no where I'm in the bathroom puking my guts up, luckily it was only water. And just as sudden as it came it left. And I ate tomatoes on toast right after wards.

I have horrible headaches now that I stopped drinking pop as much. All I drink is caffeine free, and no more coke or mountain dew... my favorites. But welch's strawberry is really good and root beer too.

I sooooo want a joint and a white russian. :P damn damn damn damn it.

My dreams have been too fucked up. I've been having a lot of dreams about highschool and a lot of dreams about even stranger things, like Liz. I had a dream that liz had a baby and our kids got married. I'm almost beginning to think it might mean something. But then again that's nothing compared to the dream where after everyone passed my baby around they tried to shove it back into my cunt coz it wasn't ready to come out yet.

One thing is for sure, I've got to stop sleeping all the time :P
     Tell a tale for me
soooo tired.   
06:18PM Sunday, 12, October, 2008
  I've been working day shift all weekend and it isn't over yet. So much for gradually easing back into the work thing :P I'm soooo tired. I've gotten 8 hours of sleep the last two nights. And I had been sleeping atleast 12 a day. I am an estimated 9 weeks. But I kind of think I'm farther along than that. They went on my last monthly. which was extra short and really light. Due date is estimated May 16! Exciting. I can't wait for my first ultra sound.

I got new shoes and blisters on my feet. Robyn showed me a bunch of baby cakes for the distant but also rapidly approaching baby shower. I'm going with a baby in a carriage cake. It just happened to look like it tasted the best.

My mom went to the ER today because she had pneumonia and her lungs are still full of junk. Which is now broncchitus. The last three days her face and arms have been really swollen. She's also been very very weak to the point sometimes she can't walk for more than 5 minutes at a time with out just becoming exhausted. She wouldn't let me drive her because I might get sick. So she goes to the ER, they send her away saying she did not look swollen and she should drink plenty of liquids. And I'm always worried my mom is lying. And I'm worried, my mom doesn't stand up for herself. I'd demand the doctor in charge of my care to find out what the hell was wrong with me, not act as if I'm making it all up. Who's going to take care of her when I'm gone. :(
     Tell a tale for me
01:46PM Tuesday, 07, October, 2008
mood: giddy
right now my baby is probably about 4 inches. :) I've been reading and reading and reading. All the great things I have to look forward to. Like my boobs getting even BIGGER. My areolas getting darker and will stay that way. My mood swings which are already very prominent as I'm sure Rick could tell you. Hemrroihds. Yay. Can't wait. Oh and then there's the looking forward to shitting and pissing my self when I push the baby out. Oh and then there's my being incredibly horny and so far away. I can't wait to get back. I can't wait to get my first paycheck and go straight to my immigration officer. I can't wait to get this kid outta me and start 2 hours all night every night feedings. And I can't wait to see the most gorgeous baby in the world. ^^ All sorts of giggly jumping around excitedness. :) until the mood swing changes for the worse.

And of course there's all sorts of depressing statistics.

Only half of parents who are together when baby arrives are still together in 5 years. Which is honestly more than I expected.

Que Sera sera
     Tell a tale for me
11:11PM Friday, 03, October, 2008
mood: chipper
OMG I'm tired. Being back to work sucks. But its so welcomed after doing nothing for so long. My back hurts. :(

Went and saw my dad the other night. I could of killed him he more or less asked if I wanted to have an abortion. And then he was like well are you sure you don't want to put it up for adoption. Like fuck off. This is my baby. Adoption is for fucking teenagers who don't believe in abortion. Not for me, a grown adult responsible for my own actions. Plus I want this baby more than anything in the world. Ready or not I made my bed and I'm going to snuggle into it :) WITH A BABY!!! phew gotta remember to breath! Plus I don't think anyones ever really ready. It's going to be an adventure though!

My mom's already planning the baby shower. I can't wait to make mints and plan out the baby games. I can't wait to find out what sex it is! GIRL GIRL GIRL :)

And I've been hormonal and pissy for the last three days. That or crying. I was watching the animal planet today and they were talking about their humane society and how they get 300 cats a month and only 30 get adopted. I cried. Then they had an animal hero show were this little dog saved a two year old boys life. Cried again. I'm not watching any more tv.
     Tell a tale for me
12:31PM Friday, 03, October, 2008

Rick just asked me if he could name the boy Richard Fitswell. So when he's with the ladies he can say my name is Rick but you can call me Dick Fitswell.

I've gone No Poo! No more shampoo or conditioner. My friend turned me onto it. She said she hasn't had psoriasis in her hair since she started doing it. But of course its meant to be a vegetarian/vegan friendly method of washing your hair. Who know shampoo and conditioner had animal fat and other products.

Every 2-3 days baking soda wash. every 3-4 days apple cider vinegar rinse. Everyday water washes. And essential oils when air drying. Its supposed to make curly hair flawless. :) we shall see. Some of the result pictures I've seen are amazing.
     Tell a tale for me
I'm baaaaack.   
09:31PM Tuesday, 30, September, 2008
mood: exhausted
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. ~Author Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient."

that tickled me particularly. I'm not entirely sure but I think its implying that most nurses are ugly?

I heard shelly had a baby boy this saturday. :)

I found out today that apparently twins runs on my fathers side too. Both my grandmas miscarried twins. on my dads side and my moms side. My great grandmas, one from each side were sets of twins. weird eh?

Robyn got me a bib that says "Spit Happens" and some nice neutral colored blankets.

I'm sooooo excited. I can see why people love being pregnant. Everyone has great baby stories. I get all mushy and excited. Until my stomach gets all crampy.
     Tell a tale for me
I don't get how people have 3, 4, 5 kids. Go through the nausea over and over again.   
12:01PM Thursday, 25, September, 2008
mood: nauseated
World record for most kids by same parent.... 68

So obviously I'm not home yet. I will be back hopefully monday. x.x It wasn't enough that we went through the whole goodbyes for no reason, no I have to do it all over again. The stress for it last time had my stomach in a very very bad place

My stomach is killing me. oh my god. I haven't hardly been able to eat. Every morning I wake up sick. I eat- sick. I smell food-sick. Some of my favorite foods, make my stomach cringe. I know I'm just whinning. But I want it to go away. I can't wait to be back home. I can't wait for my first doctor visit. My mom scheduled the appointment. I'll be able to hear the heart beat! I can't wait to get back to work. I can't wait to get my citizenship process started. I can't wait for this stupid baby to get out and stop wrecking havoc on me. x.x My psoriasis is all broken out. 10X what it ever was. I've a looong ways to go. Part of me is like yay we're having a baaaaby. The other half is like what the hell are you thinking. 10 months stomach cramps and peeing every 5 minutes all leading up to excrutiating labor... yay... o.o

can you tell I'm freaked out by it? Now everyone join me in a chant... baby girl baby girl baby girl baby girl baby girl! Now time to be even more freaked out. Twins skip a generation in my family and run on the girls side. My grandma miscarried twin boys. My great great grandma was one of a twin. I'm freaked out. FREAKED out. I'm also excited, I figure the first couple of months will have to be disposable diapers just coz their feces is liquid. But when it becomes formed... Cloth diapers... oooohhhhh yeah :) I figure I wash shit out of clothes and bedding at work... Better for the environment. I've had some of the craziest messed up dreams since I've been pregnant. Last night I dreamt that I was doing... Ether in a class room and the bitch was there. She was yelling at me for doing ether and at first I was like I can do what ever I want, then I was like omg I'm pregnant and started freaing out all the sudden in a coffee shop

Vanessa was over the other night. Her and melissa broke up..maybe? She got drunk, fast. She was all business with her drinking. I don't like Melissa anyways. She's a hooch and a whore and always wears the same stupid beady rat eyed expression. But V is cool shit. :)

Since I was supposed to leave last saturday and katie and bill have a new babysitter for noel. I haven't had to go over there. So I've spent all week doing nothing but kissin and cuddling and bitching about how much my stomach kills me. I wish I would just puke. I doubt I'd feel much better though.

And for the best news? I'm down to 10-12 smokes a day. And its killing me. I talked to my doctor though and she told me instead of getting stressed have an extra smoke and further along in the pregnancy I can worry about cutting down. So many things that could go wrong with having a baby. I am so freaked out I can't wait for my first doctor visit and hear "Everything is great" I'm going to get a recording of the heart beat soooo excited

soooo freaked out

     Tell a tale for me
11:32AM Wednesday, 17, September, 2008
mood: chipper
I'm miserable. My stomach is severley crampy. I can't wait to find out how far along I am so I know when this fucking nasuea will go away. I've come seriously close to puking. I've been extra short tempered especially with 7 fucking kids running around. How I want to strangle them. And it doesn't help that I'm cutting back on smoking I'm down to 10 smokes a day, sometimes more though if its a really bad day, or the kids are seriously pushing my buttons. I'm still smoking pot though. I've changed up here. I smoke pot like once a week with friends :) crazy. And I'm quitting at the end of this month :P omg...

I'm gonna have a baby. ^^

I love these people though. It's strange how in the last couple of months they have become my family. From the minute I got here all the kids called me aunt Jen. :) I think its amazing how they didn't even know me but still took me under their wing.
Katie is like my big sister. I'm going to miss parking with her. Katie has been through so much. I don't know how she still manages to be so lighthearted and positive. She's a 27 year old cancer survivor. She gives me a hug and a kiss everynight and tucks me in when I fall asleep on the couch waiting for Rick to get off work.
Bill is a big softy. He's a character too. Even Roger and Ashley and Jen and Jessie and Jodi an Mo. So many people I don't want to say goodbye to.

I'm dreading saturday morning. I'm going to be crying and crying. It's best just to pretend like its never going to happen. :P
     Tell a tale for me